Ambush Bug Presents #5

[the-ambush-bug.livejournal.com]

(Music Cue : "Have a Holly-Jolly Christmas")

The stage resembles a large, stylish den in this outing - decorated with all the Christmas trimmings. Stockings are hung by the chimney with care. There's a tree, decorated with metallic orange tinsel. Houngan is there, sitting at a piano.

Standing by the tree is Ambush Bug, in a Fred Rogers-esque outfit, complete with slacks, a sweater, and a toupee. He's sipping a small cup of egg nog as he 'notices' the camera. "Oh, well! Seems our guests have finally arrived. Hello, folks, and welcome to the Ambush Bug Christmas Special Extravaganzapalooza. Now also serving Hanukkah and Kwanzaa, to the best of our limited ability to understand and properly spell those holidays."

"We have a whole evening of Holiday Fun lined up - some special guests to make you smile, and I may just belt out a rendition of some holiday standard. Later on, I think we'll go to the phones, and maybe we'll even look at some letters to Santa Claus.."

He trails off, looking annoyedly off-camera towards his musical director. "What are you fidgeting about, Houngan?"

Comments

[jla-villains.livejournal.com]

The camera pans to reveal the slightly agitated musical misanthrope, who abruptly stops fidgeting and leans forward to stage-whisper to his employer.

"You forgot about de Yule, mon."

[the-ambush-bug.livejournal.com]

The camera zooms out, so both men are on the screen - Ambush Bug scratches his head confusedly.

"You'll what?"

[jla-villains.livejournal.com]

Already, Houngan seems exasperated. "Yule, mon. De Wiccan t'ing."

[the-ambush-bug.livejournal.com]

The first commercial opens with a montage of footage taken from superhero conflicts. Massive scenes of property damage. Then, a voiceover begins.

"In this world, we have to deal with catastrophes of all shapes and sizes."

A still photo of Bizarro and his purple alien-child.

"Sometimes, they're purple and ravenous."

Amateur video footage of the crawling purple alien child, eating anything on which it can lay hands - before noticing the cameraman, and leaping for the camcorder - the image freezes.

"Life comes at you fast. Trust Countrywide Insurance."

Countrywide is on your siiiide..

[jla-extras.livejournal.com]

The second commercial begins in a fancy restaurant - Dick Clark smiles and nods to a waiter, who scurries off to prepare a check. Dick turns to the camera.

"Hi, do you know me? You may think that you do - but you don't."

Folding his arms on the table, he leans conspiratorially towards the camera. "You see, I'm the internationally-reviled supercriminal known as the Ultra-Humanite. And ordinarily, when I'm mistaken for my host bodies, it's intentional."

"Sometimes, though, you need to have access to resources above and beyond that of your host - bail money, under the table bribes, that sort of thing. That's why, whenever I transfer my brain, I also transfer my wallet and this - " he holds up a credit card " - my Bialyan Express card."

"Whether you're wearing the latest would-be starlet, or just Bob Smith, you can take your Bialyan Express card along for the ride. Make sure to memorize your personal identification code, though - identity theft is such a problem this day and age."

The camera shows a close-up of a sample card, and he continues, in voiceover.

"Bialyan Express. Never leave a host body, without it."

Then he is on the screen once more, and winks at the camera. "See you all this New Year's."

[the-ambush-bug.livejournal.com]

Then the show's back on, with the fluid tones of "Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree" playing as the camera finds its focus on Ambush Bug once more.

"Allright, and we're back! Nice to be here, after a slightly prolonged absence. I was able to persuade the network that my shows provides a valuable public service, though. I mean, if not for this show, I'd be out on the street!"

"I'd like to welcome my first guest on the show, tonight. It is an honor and a privilege to have this man appear here. I am a longtime fan of his work, and quite frankly, I don't know where I'd be today without his influence. Yes, it's the Big Red 'S' himself.."

"Santa Claus!"

[ye-olde-scratch.livejournal.com]

"Hey, Buggy, it's great to be here. How's it going?"

[the-ambush-bug.livejournal.com]

There's a double-take. "Saaaay. Something fishy's going on here. You're big and red and all, but I detect a subtle odor of brimstone."

"Milk and cookies are kinda rough when you're lactose intolerant, huh?"

[the-ambush-bug.livejournal.com]

Ambush Bug leaps back onto his feet, resuming his affected poise for the cameras. "All right, then! It's Mailbag time!"

On cue, the stagehands unleash a bag of mail - envelopes flutter all around Ambush Bug like snow, and he grabs at the first..

[starfire-kory.livejournal.com]

Greetings to Santa Claus, who is also called Saint Nicholas, who is also called Kris Kringle, who is also called Father Christmas, from Koriand'r of Tamaran, who is called Starfire, now residing on Earth with the Titans.

I write to you on behalf of my son, who is bilingual in both English and Tamaranean but has yet to master the art of writing. His motor skills are otherwise exceptional and X'hal bear witness he shall someday be able to petition you directly.

Luum says he has been a good boy this year, except for the times when he has refused to go to bed, but these have not been too many and leave no great stain upon his honor. He would very much like a bow and arrows as his friend and future shieldsister Lian has, as well as a sword, though his father and I believe he should not be given one of these until he is a few years older. He would also like "all the Lord of the Rings action figures, especially Elrond." I trust in your best judgment in this matter.

Luum promises to leave you the traditional tribute of cookies and milk, though I have suggested an orange as well. Our family wishes you a safe journey on Christmas Eve, and may none be so foolish as to bar your way.

Koriand'r, Starfire of the Titans, on behalf of her son Luum Simon
Of the House of And'r

[the-ambush-bug.livejournal.com]

"Wow, she's so polite! Kept her figure pretty well, considering she's had a kid, too. Might want to hold off on the medieval weaponry, with the Tamaranean temper, but I think the salutation alone merits a set of those Rings figures - what do you think, Santa?"

[http://users.livejournal.com/_deadly_rose_/]

Dear Santa,

I know you have a lot to do this time of year, but I could really use a new pair of gloves.

Oh, and I would also like world peace, of course, but that's not just for me, it's for everyone. And honestly, I wish for it every year and it never happens, so it's probably a little bit beyond your ken - and that's okay, I mean no one can do EVERYTHING - but I might as well keep wishing, right?

Love,

Rose.

[the-ambush-bug.livejournal.com]

Ambush Bug sniffles. "Wow, she sounds like such a nice gal. Not at all like the violent types (http://community.livejournal.com/jla_watchtower/982128.html) I sometimes meet when I'm out crimefighting. You can get her some gloves, right? Maybe even make it two pairs."

[http://users.livejournal.com/_bog_bot/]

Dear Santa,

What I'd really like for Christmas is a new squeezy mop. Mister Lister threw my last one down the incinerator when he caught me dancing with it, Fred Astaire-style. Now, I'm really not the dictionary definition of a twinkle toes, but I can cut a mean rug, and found his reaction to be over the top.

Of course, I shouldn't be putting myself first, oh no, that wouldn't do at all. Before my squeezy mop is procured, please, get Mister Lister a new Harley Davidson motorcycle, hover package optional, Mister Cat could use a new gold-plated shoe horn, and Mister Rimmer could use a puncture repair kit for his girlfriend Rachel.

Also, for Bob and Madge, the skutters, a subscription to John Wayne Fan Monthly, please.

And a new lint trap for Estelle, my lady friend.

Thank you, and 0111000001010110000101 which of course means Happy Holidays in mechanoid.

Kryten.

[onecoldbastard.livejournal.com]

Dear Mister Claus,

I know you likley don't remember me, we had a little "run-in" back in '48. A little encounter with a green other-dimensional entity looking to steal the essence of the holidays. But since I've been good this year, there's something I'd really like to ask for.

Could you somehow arrange Warren Ellis keeping my series going for at least another thirty issues? I know there's that whole timeline of events thing that will put everything out on a positive note on big issue #27, but c'moooon.

The Authority kept theirs running long past the point of being entertaining, even into this whole WorldStorm retcon.

And if that isn't doable, could you at least arrange a few stand alone mini-series, maybe a couple more crossovers? By Garth Ennis?


Yours in this strange world (For one more issue, at least),

Elijah

[alt-minds2.livejournal.com]

Dear Santa,

Thank you for your wonderful work, and best wishes for you and your commune up at the North Pole. I know that everyone works very hard up there.

My home has had a bad time of it, though. It will be a hard winter, since those bullies in the militia plundered the crops. If you've fuel or food to share, it would be a great relief.

Secondly, since you have years of experience when it comes to giving gifts, what should I get my love? The Linkin Park CD he doesn't have, the Shakespere collection, a subscription to Variety, or do you have another suggestion? He's only been naughty in the GOOD kind of way. *wink*


Homemade cookies, vegetable soup, and cold milk will be waiting this Yule for you, Mr. Claus.

Warmest wishes,

Aurora

[redlyreflecting.livejournal.com]

Dear Santa Claus,

Please be careful while you're in Gotham. I regret to say that my boss would most likely appreciate another large, sharp knife. He hasn't been good. At all. But I suspect this isn't his fault, so maybe you could just ignore that, and bring him some sanity pills.

As for me, I'm hoping that Nightwing and Alfred return -- safely, and soon. Thanks for your time. I know I haven't been very good either. I'm working on that, honest.

Yours truly,
T. Drake

[the-ambush-bug.livejournal.com]

"That seems to be all the letters we have for the moment, unfortunately. Not a bad little batch. Hopefully everyone gets what they want for Christmas. I'd like to thank Mr. Kringle, again, for his assistance - and you're welcome to hang around for the rest of the show, if you like, sir."

Ambush Bug wanders over to the Christmas tree on set, and leans down, flipping a switch to activate the lights. The bulbs seem to be of unusual design - white, red, blue, green and gold glimmers, shaped like tiny crystals. Atop the tree, the 'star' appears to be a model of Dr. Light, exploding in a shimmering white starburst.

[old-saint-nick.livejournal.com]

Santa cocks his head and "awwws" in the beautiful sight. "A magnificent piece of work, little Irwin. It reminds me of those two cities in Japan." He turns to Ambush Bug with a grin. "Some will tell you that they don't celebrate Christmas there. But I'll tell you, those cities were just glowing that Christmas in 1945."

[the-ambush-bug.livejournal.com]

"Allrighty! I think we'll open it up for phone calls now, though we're a little short on time - got something you want to say on the air? Give us a ring."

[webslingah.livejournal.com]

"Hey there, Buggy. First time caller. I'm swinging by the Raft to pay a holiday visit to a few of my favorite inmates and I caught the guards watching your Christmas special.."

[ye-olde-scratch.livejournal.com]

"Hi there! How'd you like to refinance your home for no money down and a low APR, while simultaneously increasing the size of your masculinity and making money hand over fist from these stocks I can recommend to you?"

[kang-cross-time.livejournal.com]

"Hey, Ambush Bug," say several voices in unison. "Any suggestions for Christmas Gifts one should get their alternate timeline selves? We're on something of a budget."

"Cheapskate," comes a lone reply from the crowd.

[hail-hydra.livejournal.com]

"Mr. Bug? I've got a problem you might be able to assist with. There's this guy I've got my eye on. We're very compatible, and, well... I'm no size queen, but I'll just say he's got a very large part of his anatomy. I've tried putting on makeup -- I've tried overthrowing his criminal empire -- nothing I do seems to get his attention. Any ideas?"

[the-ambush-bug.livejournal.com]

"Allright folks, I think that's a wrap - thanks to all our callers, and letter-writers. And a special thanks to Kris Kringle for stopping by. Please stay tuned for the station's newest cooking show - the 'Carnosseur', with Vandal Savage. Goodnight!"