Ambush Bug Presents #5

[the-ambush-bug.livejournal.com]

(Music Cue : "Have a Holly-Jolly Christmas")

The stage resembles a large, stylish den in this outing - decorated with all the Christmas trimmings. Stockings are hung by the chimney with care. There's a tree, decorated with metallic orange tinsel. Houngan is there, sitting at a piano.

Standing by the tree is Ambush Bug, in a Fred Rogers-esque outfit, complete with slacks, a sweater, and a toupee. He's sipping a small cup of egg nog as he 'notices' the camera. "Oh, well! Seems our guests have finally arrived. Hello, folks, and welcome to the Ambush Bug Christmas Special Extravaganzapalooza. Now also serving Hanukkah and Kwanzaa, to the best of our limited ability to understand and properly spell those holidays."

"We have a whole evening of Holiday Fun lined up - some special guests to make you smile, and I may just belt out a rendition of some holiday standard. Later on, I think we'll go to the phones, and maybe we'll even look at some letters to Santa Claus.."

He trails off, looking annoyedly off-camera towards his musical director. "What are you fidgeting about, Houngan?"

Comments

[the-ambush-bug.livejournal.com]

Ambush Bug leaps back onto his feet, resuming his affected poise for the cameras. "All right, then! It's Mailbag time!"

On cue, the stagehands unleash a bag of mail - envelopes flutter all around Ambush Bug like snow, and he grabs at the first..

[starfire-kory.livejournal.com]

Greetings to Santa Claus, who is also called Saint Nicholas, who is also called Kris Kringle, who is also called Father Christmas, from Koriand'r of Tamaran, who is called Starfire, now residing on Earth with the Titans.

I write to you on behalf of my son, who is bilingual in both English and Tamaranean but has yet to master the art of writing. His motor skills are otherwise exceptional and X'hal bear witness he shall someday be able to petition you directly.

Luum says he has been a good boy this year, except for the times when he has refused to go to bed, but these have not been too many and leave no great stain upon his honor. He would very much like a bow and arrows as his friend and future shieldsister Lian has, as well as a sword, though his father and I believe he should not be given one of these until he is a few years older. He would also like "all the Lord of the Rings action figures, especially Elrond." I trust in your best judgment in this matter.

Luum promises to leave you the traditional tribute of cookies and milk, though I have suggested an orange as well. Our family wishes you a safe journey on Christmas Eve, and may none be so foolish as to bar your way.

Koriand'r, Starfire of the Titans, on behalf of her son Luum Simon
Of the House of And'r

[the-ambush-bug.livejournal.com]

"Wow, she's so polite! Kept her figure pretty well, considering she's had a kid, too. Might want to hold off on the medieval weaponry, with the Tamaranean temper, but I think the salutation alone merits a set of those Rings figures - what do you think, Santa?"

[old-saint-nick.livejournal.com]

"I've got just the thing right here." He reaches into his sack and pulls out a nerf bow-and-arrow set. "Just what she wanted for him, right?"

[the-ambush-bug.livejournal.com]

"You can never go wrong with Nerf, and I'm not just saying that because they sponsor the show!"

[http://users.livejournal.com/_deadly_rose_/]

Dear Santa,

I know you have a lot to do this time of year, but I could really use a new pair of gloves.

Oh, and I would also like world peace, of course, but that's not just for me, it's for everyone. And honestly, I wish for it every year and it never happens, so it's probably a little bit beyond your ken - and that's okay, I mean no one can do EVERYTHING - but I might as well keep wishing, right?

Love,

Rose.

[the-ambush-bug.livejournal.com]

Ambush Bug sniffles. "Wow, she sounds like such a nice gal. Not at all like the violent types (http://community.livejournal.com/jla_watchtower/982128.html) I sometimes meet when I'm out crimefighting. You can get her some gloves, right? Maybe even make it two pairs."

[old-saint-nick.livejournal.com]

"Gloves, and whirled peas. I tell you, it's a good thing I have that hydroponic garden under the workshop, with as many people who ask for those peas. Though for some reason the FDA keeps wanting to look at it... And they keep calling me Mr. Garcia when they do."

[http://users.livejournal.com/_bog_bot/]

Dear Santa,

What I'd really like for Christmas is a new squeezy mop. Mister Lister threw my last one down the incinerator when he caught me dancing with it, Fred Astaire-style. Now, I'm really not the dictionary definition of a twinkle toes, but I can cut a mean rug, and found his reaction to be over the top.

Of course, I shouldn't be putting myself first, oh no, that wouldn't do at all. Before my squeezy mop is procured, please, get Mister Lister a new Harley Davidson motorcycle, hover package optional, Mister Cat could use a new gold-plated shoe horn, and Mister Rimmer could use a puncture repair kit for his girlfriend Rachel.

Also, for Bob and Madge, the skutters, a subscription to John Wayne Fan Monthly, please.

And a new lint trap for Estelle, my lady friend.

Thank you, and 0111000001010110000101 which of course means Happy Holidays in mechanoid.

Kryten.

[old-saint-nick.livejournal.com]

"01110001011101101011011110001101010101. 101010101100101010100010111010100101010010101010010101010." And the fat man laughs.

[the-ambush-bug.livejournal.com]

"Whoa. Bet you can't say that five times fast. You'd get a buffer overflow. Been working with binary load lifters?"

[old-saint-nick.livejournal.com]

"It's important to be bilingual in this line of work. But the elves have worked up a little something to help load the sleighs."

[old-saint-nick.livejournal.com]

A yeti in the corner waves.

"Me Binry Lud Liffer!"

[onecoldbastard.livejournal.com]

Dear Mister Claus,

I know you likley don't remember me, we had a little "run-in" back in '48. A little encounter with a green other-dimensional entity looking to steal the essence of the holidays. But since I've been good this year, there's something I'd really like to ask for.

Could you somehow arrange Warren Ellis keeping my series going for at least another thirty issues? I know there's that whole timeline of events thing that will put everything out on a positive note on big issue #27, but c'moooon.

The Authority kept theirs running long past the point of being entertaining, even into this whole WorldStorm retcon.

And if that isn't doable, could you at least arrange a few stand alone mini-series, maybe a couple more crossovers? By Garth Ennis?


Yours in this strange world (For one more issue, at least),

Elijah

[old-saint-nick.livejournal.com]

"Aw, little Elijah. Well, I'll see what I can do. I think the elves could whip up a little Warren Ellis action figure for your stocking, with 'Planetary-Writing-Action!'"

[the-ambush-bug.livejournal.com]

"Be sure to include plenty of tiny coffee and cigarettes!"

[alt-minds2.livejournal.com]

Dear Santa,

Thank you for your wonderful work, and best wishes for you and your commune up at the North Pole. I know that everyone works very hard up there.

My home has had a bad time of it, though. It will be a hard winter, since those bullies in the militia plundered the crops. If you've fuel or food to share, it would be a great relief.

Secondly, since you have years of experience when it comes to giving gifts, what should I get my love? The Linkin Park CD he doesn't have, the Shakespere collection, a subscription to Variety, or do you have another suggestion? He's only been naughty in the GOOD kind of way. *wink*


Homemade cookies, vegetable soup, and cold milk will be waiting this Yule for you, Mr. Claus.

Warmest wishes,

Aurora

[old-saint-nick.livejournal.com]

"Might I suggest the new Tork action figure, from the new line of Space Trek 2099 action figures? I'm sure he'd get hours of fun out of such a toy."

[the-ambush-bug.livejournal.com]

"A new Tork? I'm green with envy!"

[redlyreflecting.livejournal.com]

Dear Santa Claus,

Please be careful while you're in Gotham. I regret to say that my boss would most likely appreciate another large, sharp knife. He hasn't been good. At all. But I suspect this isn't his fault, so maybe you could just ignore that, and bring him some sanity pills.

As for me, I'm hoping that Nightwing and Alfred return -- safely, and soon. Thanks for your time. I know I haven't been very good either. I'm working on that, honest.

Yours truly,
T. Drake

[the-ambush-bug.livejournal.com]

"Oooh. A letter from an alternate universe. Kooky! This one totally needs green underoos."

[old-saint-nick.livejournal.com]

"Sanity pills, huh? The elves have been working on that, but they haven't quite managed them yet. Though they promise me that as soon as they do, I'll be the first to know. Never really figured out what they meant by that..."