Awards Extravaganza!

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A camera pans over a vast audience of super-heroes and super-villains from all walks of live, orchestral fanfare playing all the while, before the camera and the stage lights come to focus on the main forum, and its red velvety curtains.

An announcer's voice booms: "Live, from Bob Kane Memorial Stadium - designed, drawn, and funded by Bill Finger - it's the Second and a Half Annual Ambush Bug Presents Awards Extravaganza!"

The curtains part, giving way to the night's emcee - Ambush Bug, dressed to the nines in a sharp tuxedo. A sharp, orange tuxedo.

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Ambush Bug Awards - the Schwabbies, as they are popularly known. This is our second and a half annual ceremony, and I hope we can continue the fine tradition of dignity and aplomb that we have maintained all these years. But - what's this?"

Ambush Bug looks towards the rafters, where there is suddenly a glow.

Comments

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A mysterious glowing sphere levitates down towards the stage, hovering a few feet above Ambush Bug's head, shining quietly.

Commercial Break

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Cheery music plays as the camera reveals the Doom Patrol, held hostage by the Brotherhood of Evil, about to be disintegrated, then cuts to a nearby hallway, where Steve Dayton waits for the right moment. He slips into a janitor's uniform that does nothing to conceal the enormous purple helmet on his head, and slips a candy in his mouth.

Making his way amongst the Brotherhood under the pretense of cleaning the floor, he picks his moment deftly, and blasts the villains with his psychic powers, and flashes a smile at the camera, holding up the candy tube, labelled 'Mento'.

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Ambush Bug is back on camera, in his shocking orange tuxedo, panting for breath after finishing his epic disco dance routine.

"Whew! That had to be my best performance ever! I hope nobody missed that.."

He wipes his brow as if he were sweating through the green costume that he wears like a second skin, and goes directly into his next spiel.

"We tried to bring you this show for a while now - it was going to go off a lot earlier, but - regrettably, we fell afoul of a writer's strike."

The crowd boos, a little.

"I'm happy to report that they're all back to work. I mean, heck - it's not they're really that important to begin with, but unions, you know?"

Best Hat

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And the camera returns to the main stage.

"Our first category was going to be 'Most Complicated Continuity' - but regrettably, our nominees - Donna Troy, Hawkman, and Power Girl - appear to have been merged into a single person with the latest retcons. So we're giving them an honorary award, collectively. So, congratulations, Powerhawk Troy!"

Ambush Bug shrugs.

"So instead, we'll move on to the second category, 'Best Hat'! Here are your presenters - Vandal Savage, and Tenzil Kem!"

Best Western

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As Tenzil and Savage leave the stage, Ambush Bug returns.

"Well, that was mercifully brief! Perhaps the Stranger was just tuckered out.. he finished his acceptance speech for last year's Best Hat award only moments before tonight's ceremony."

He gets a laugh from the audience, and continues.

"Our next category at the Schwabbies is near and dear to my heart - Best Western. It doesn't actually have anything to do with comic books or super-heroes, but I love it nonetheless. And here to present our nominees tonight are two experts on the West - Scalphunter, and Manitou Raven!"

Tiniest Costume

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As Manitou Raven and Scalphunter make their way backstage, Ambush Bug returns with a Pop!

"Well, as they say, if it'll play in Peoria, it probably has too many damn skrulls in it. Next up! One of my very favorite categories of the evening! Tiniest Costume!"

Sexy saxophone music begins to play.

"And here to present the nominees are two of my great pals - Jericho, and the Silent Knight!"

Best Gritty Revamp

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The stage is cleared once more, and the emcee returns.

"And now - prepare to get grim. Prepare to get fierce. Our next category will rattle your bones, and fill you full of hot lead. That's right, it's.. Best Gritty Revamp!"

He gestures once more to the center stage.

"Please welcome your hosts .. Charaxes, and Killer Moth!"

Most Likely to Succeed

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As Killer Moth and Charaxes, Ambush Bug returns!

"Wow, that Rex. He's one bad son of a bitch!"

The audience groans, and Ambush Bug tugs at his collar nervously.

"Another clunker like that, and I'll cut off the free banana supply for the writers."

He beams, suddenly.

"But we've got a super-duper category coming up next - the comic book characters voted Most Likely to Succeed! When the chips are down, who can you count on to come out ahead? Let's find out with our presenters .. Mary Marvel, and Captain Marvel, Jr.!"

Best Sidekick

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Ambush Bug helps Freddy and Mary get off the stage, then returns with his mobile microphone.

"Well, I bet old Bats is going to be sorry he missed this next category, because I can bet a bunch of his friends will be appearing. Here to present the award for Best Sidekick are two famous examples of yesteryear - Jimmy Olsen and Snapper Carr!"

Best Cameo

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"Aww, man, I thought Cheeks was sure to win!"

The Bug is back, ready to introduce the next presenters.

"Our next award is a little something special. Very little, in fact. The Best Cameo award celebrates excellent, but small, appearances. Unfortunately, due to the vast volumes of source material to choose from, and the omnipresence of cameos throughout, we have decided to somewhat narrow the scope for the nominees... to this show."

"So, here to present the award for 'Best Cameo in the Ambush Bug Awards', are Booster Gold and Blue Beetle!"

Best Pet

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As the Blue and Gold make their way off the stage, Ambush Bug returns.

"Was that the best acceptance speech we've heard all night? I sure think so. Next up, we have two time travelling heroes - please claps your hands for Rip Hunter and Waverider, presenting the award for Best Pet!"

Best Battlecry

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As the time sphere shimmers out of view once more, Ambush Bug returns.

"Well, it's hard to top the best. Krypto has a lot of collars to his credit."

The audience groans.

"Next up, Best Battlecry! Presenting the award are two gentlemen who love to ask things, the Riddler, and the Question!"

Best Death

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Once again, your host..

"Gosh, that was fun! Now, though, we take a walk on the darker side. Here to present the awards for Best Death - Barry Allen, and Eobard Thawne, AKA Professor Zoom!"

Best Crossover

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Ambush Bug appears once more, twirling his microphone with a flourish as the speedsters exit the stage.

"Well, moving on from that somber note, let's talk about one of the funnest things in comic books, crossovers! Our next award is for Best Crossover, and here to present it are DCU veterans - Firestorm, and Firehawk!"

Best Rocket Red or Manhunter Drone

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As Firehawk and Firestorm head offstage, Ambush Bug returns!

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sad. We've reached our final category for the night. That means our time is almost done.."

He bursts into song.

"Meeeee-morieeeeees.. like the shadows of my miiiiiiiind.."

He wipes away an invisible tear and continues.

"To hand out the award for Best Rocket Red or Manhunter Drone, we have two titans of technology.. L-Ron and Red Tornado!"

[the-ambush-bug.livejournal.com]

Ambush Bug, your humble host, walks from the podium where Manny the Manhunter has collapsed into actual sobs.

"Well, ladies and gentlemen, that's everything except the credits. I hope you'll join us again next time.. In the meantime, stay tuned after the credits for America's most agreeable political pundit, Bizarro Jack Ryder hosting 'You Am Right!' G'night, everyone!"