watchtower_fans | And Now, The Gnus.

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ambush bug presents

And Now, The Gnus.

A steel-drum rendition of a typical nightly news theme can be heard - a familiar antennaed silhouette sits behind a desk, holding a stack of papers. As the lights come up, the three-piece suit and bad toupee are revealed.

"Good evening. Our top story tonight - famed comic book writer Mark Millar has been killed in the Marvel Universe, causing a spontaneous outpouring of joy amongst the heroes of that world. When asked to comment on the seemingly out-of-character celebration of a human being's death, several sources simply shrugged and said that it made for 'a better story.' More on that as it develops."

He looks to his co-anchor, a familiar mute kewpie doll in a red superhero jumpsuit - ALSO wearing a bad toupee. "I'm Ambush Bug, and this is my co-anchor, Cheeks. Welcome to WTDC Channel 5 News. Other hard-hitting stories, sports, and weather, all coming up next. Stay tuned."

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Narration: "Rick.. had a problem. He just couldn't stand up to criminals the way he used to. But now, his resolve is stiffer than ever."

[Cheery whistling tune]

Hourman leaps into a swarm of criminals, an eerie grin on his face, fists connecting with jaws, one after the other.

Narration: "Miraclo, for natural male enhancement."

[A montage of video plays, various fight scenes with Amazo attacking the Justice League]

Narration: "Sometimes, power is important. You need batteries you can trust. And when Professor Ivo and T.O. Morrow send one of their killer Amazo androids up against the Justice League, the only battery they trust is Evercell."

[A spinning battery is shown, with the familiar three-note musical sting.]

A miniature covered wagon rounds a tight corner into a kitchen, the tiny driver cracking the whip on the miniature horses.

Narration: "New Feed Wagon X-Treme.."

A white dog, wearing a cape, is in hot pursuit - the wagon driver steers into a cabinet, only to have the dog effortlessly smash through the cabinet in its zeal.

Narration: ".. for Super-Pets."

The wagon is quickly smashed by the dog, who begins to devour the edible cargo while the driver flees.

The view returns to the newsroom, and Ambush Bug is chatting animatedly with Cheeks - the theme song blotting out whatever he might be saying.

As the music cuts off, he chuckles. "..that's pretty funny, Cheeks. Ah, we're back."

"Other headlines this evening - master time-travelling villain, Per Degaton, is on the loose again, using futuristic resources to attack heroes throughout time and space. This reporter spoke to one of the sources who supplied the mad chrononaut - but the supplier mostly declined to comment, other than to say he sold certain rare radioactive materials."

"When asked how much he charged Per Degaton, he replied simply that he sells by the pound instead."

". . ."

"In other new, celebrity couple MODOK and MODAM have apparently split again, citing irreconcilable similarities. Ironically, according to one rumor magazine, it has been suggested that MODOK left MODAM because she wouldn't give him h-.."

Ambush Bug looks off camera. "Ah, apparently, standards and practices wants me to wait on that story. More at 11."

He shuffles the pile of papers in his hands.

"And now, for a peek at Sports, we head over to sports correspondent, the Sportsmaster!"

"Och, halloo, Master Bug! This be the Sportsmaster.."

"We already did the accent gag, Sportsmaster. I'd let it slide if you were covering soccer.. You're not Scottish, you're from Des Moines."

"Sure, spoil all my fun.."

"Well, I'm down here in Gotham, at the home of the Gotham Knights, and it looks like the Knights are in good shape this year. They're sporting all new deluxe equipment, too - where do they get those wonderful toys?"

"Given Gotham's mortality rate, I expect it's a memorial fund of some kind."

"You're probably right. Still, with all this shiny equipment.. and a team with such potential - I'm somewhat tempted to pull off one of my signature heists. You know, steal the whole stadium.."

Sportsmaster mutters under his breath, trailing off.

"Well, I understand you do lead the league in steals."

Forced laughter.

"While our sports anchor recovers his composure, let's check in with weather, shall we?"

"Temperatures will remain warm and mild through the day, and slightly cool overnight. Then, tomorrow, there's a 90 percent chance of rain and larceny!"

The Weather Wizard laughs diabolically.

"Are we running some kind of rehab program here? Why the heck is everyone who works on this show, besides me, a super-villain?"

He stops laughing.

"Well, we're a FOX affiliate."

A beat.

"Okay, you have a good point there. What's the five-day forecast?"

"High humidity will give us plenty to sweat about, and occasional thunderstorms. And on Saturday, Keystone City has a 100% chance of a blizzard. You hear that, Flash?"

Thunder rumbles in the studio.

"... Yyyyeah, I think that's about enough. You couldn't be like Al Roker, could you? He's so jolly. Very seldom robs banks, as I understand. Though he did used to look like Flash's pal, Chunk. Hm. Weird."

"One of the hot topics that have arisen recently is .."

The graphic behind him has changed to display Nico Minoru, of the Runaways.

".. not that kind of Hot Topic. Oh. Oh! Wait, that might be the right graphic. A recent topic of discussion is underage heroes. Teenage vigilantes. Barely post-adolescent bullet shields. Er.. sidekicks."

"I did some man-on-the-street interviews, asking folks what they thought about minors running around and fighting crime - here's what they had to say."

"Erm, interview? About underage superheroing? I'm completely for it. Heck I used to do it myself, and now I don't cause I'm 18 so now it's not underage superheroing anymore, but uh...
Yeah, I have no idea where I was going with that either. Who the hell are you anyways?"

"The name's Irwin, but most folks call me Ambush Bug! Or sometimes 'Hey, you!' So you don't think it's a little dangerous out there for the kids? Should there be a minimum age to be a hero?"

"Not really. I think it really should depend more on what powers the person has. Like someone who doesn't have powers shouldn't be running around in tights at 14, but someone with invulnerability can."

"What about a toddler with a bulletproof jumper, and a super-sneeze power?"

"You're really gonna tell someone they're not old enough to do good things? What the hell kinda reasoning is that, poozer?

"You make a very good point. But where do we draw the line? And what with?"

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And Now, The Gnus.

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