watchtower_fans | Awards Extravaganza!

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ambush bug presents

Awards Extravaganza!

A camera pans over a vast audience of super-heroes and super-villains from all walks of live, orchestral fanfare playing all the while, before the camera and the stage lights come to focus on the main forum, and its red velvety curtains.

An announcer's voice booms: "Live, from Bob Kane Memorial Stadium - designed, drawn, and funded by Bill Finger - it's the Second and a Half Annual Ambush Bug Presents Awards Extravaganza!"

The curtains part, giving way to the night's emcee - Ambush Bug, dressed to the nines in a sharp tuxedo. A sharp, orange tuxedo.

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Ambush Bug Awards - the Schwabbies, as they are popularly known. This is our second and a half annual ceremony, and I hope we can continue the fine tradition of dignity and aplomb that we have maintained all these years. But - what's this?"

Ambush Bug looks towards the rafters, where there is suddenly a glow.

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A mysterious glowing sphere levitates down towards the stage, hovering a few feet above Ambush Bug's head, shining quietly.

"Well, hey, it's the Pieces of Fate thingie!"

Ambush Bug leans to stage-whisper to the audience.

"It apparently has the power to show you the future. Let's see what it has in store for me!"

The artifact slowly begins to spin, shining its light around the room, as the stage lights dim..

Ambush Bug is lost from sight for a moment in the darkness, before the stage lights come back up a little, revealing a costume change to a white leisure suit, complete with a large wig over his antennae.

"Looks like I'll be Stayin' Alive!"

He begins disco-dancing around the stage, as a spotlight hits Ambush Bug's bandleader, Houngan, performing a rendition of the BeeGees classic on the steel drum.

While Ambush Bug performs his acrobatic disco moves, Houngan bangs away on the steel drums, and turns towards the cameras.

"You don't need to suffer troo dis. Come back after dese messages, mon."

Cheery music plays as the camera reveals the Doom Patrol, held hostage by the Brotherhood of Evil, about to be disintegrated, then cuts to a nearby hallway, where Steve Dayton waits for the right moment. He slips into a janitor's uniform that does nothing to conceal the enormous purple helmet on his head, and slips a candy in his mouth.

Making his way amongst the Brotherhood under the pretense of cleaning the floor, he picks his moment deftly, and blasts the villains with his psychic powers, and flashes a smile at the camera, holding up the candy tube, labelled 'Mento'.

"Do you need to learn a new language?"

A winged officer of the Thanagarian military appears on the screen, speaking in pleasant tones.

"Well, you can try Rosetta Stone, but why not use the superior alien technology available to such fine institutions as the Thanagarian Army, the Thanagarian Intelligence Agency, and the State Department."

He produces a small metal helmet device "Now you, too, can benefit from the Absorbascon, the fastest way to learn every language on a planet, guaranteed. Why waste time learning one at a time?"

An older gentlemen with a mustache addresses the camera.

"Hi, I'm John Sherry, C.E.O. of Computo Learning Lessons. I'm the guy who offers free instructional videos on a variety of Computo topics. You may have heard of my lessons on Defeating the Legion, Outwitting Your Coluan Creator, and the like."

The screen displays some of the mentioned discs.

"I'm here to offer you a chance to get my latest lesson for free - How To Kill Triplicate Girl. If you like it, I hope you'll try more of my lessons.."

Ambush Bug is back on camera, in his shocking orange tuxedo, panting for breath after finishing his epic disco dance routine.

"Whew! That had to be my best performance ever! I hope nobody missed that.."

He wipes his brow as if he were sweating through the green costume that he wears like a second skin, and goes directly into his next spiel.

"We tried to bring you this show for a while now - it was going to go off a lot earlier, but - regrettably, we fell afoul of a writer's strike."

The crowd boos, a little.

"I'm happy to report that they're all back to work. I mean, heck - it's not they're really that important to begin with, but unions, you know?"

The camera feed changes to the writer's room, revealing Titano, Monsieur Mallah, and Gorilla Grodd, chained to typewriters, busily clacking away.

"Not zat important, 'ee sayz! Maybe our material is not ze best, but zere are only three of us! What does 'ee expect, Shakespeare?"

Grodd snarls.

"Can the comedy and get back to work, Mallah, or I'll feed you that beret."

And the camera returns to the main stage.

"Our first category was going to be 'Most Complicated Continuity' - but regrettably, our nominees - Donna Troy, Hawkman, and Power Girl - appear to have been merged into a single person with the latest retcons. So we're giving them an honorary award, collectively. So, congratulations, Powerhawk Troy!"

Ambush Bug shrugs.

"So instead, we'll move on to the second category, 'Best Hat'! Here are your presenters - Vandal Savage, and Tenzil Kem!"

Vandal Savage stalks out onto the stage, accompanied by Tenzil Kem. They step up to the podium, and Savage squints at the teleprompter.

"'Hello, Tenzil. I understand Bismollians can eat just about anything. I wonder what that's like. Hold for Laugh.'"

Tenzil leans over to Savage, whispering a little loudly - loud enough to be picked up by the microphones.

"Actually, Van, that last bit is a stage direction. See, the first part was a joke, and.."

Savage growls, smashing part of the podium with his fist.

"Do not presume to lecture me, you cretin! They didn't have stage directions when I invented acting, in Greece!"

He clears his throat, and resumes, more civilly.

"And the nominees for Best Hat, are.. Mr. Mxyzptlk, for his classic bowler."

Tenzil appears to be a little taken aback by his co-presenter's demeanor, but recovers quickly.

"The Thinker, for his transcendent Thinker's Cap."

"The enigmatic and supposedly deceased Zatara, for his stately top hat."

"Ah. Jonah Hex, for his Civil War-era military hat. Functional and sassy, whether in blue OR grey."

"That worthless gunslinger has owed me twenty dollars since 1874." mutters Savage.

"And our final nominee - the Phantom Stranger, in his impeccable blue fedora."

Tenzil opens the envelope provided, and nods.

"Well, I'm not surprised, I just hope this doesn't mean we're in for a long-winded and dramatic acceptance speech - the Schwabbie for Best Hat goes to - the Phantom Stranger and his blue fedora! Come on up!"

The Stranger appears on stage suddenly, stepping up to the podium between the presenters, and picking up the award - a small gold rendition of Cheeks, the Toy Wonder.

He leans into the microphone.

"Thank you all. I'd especially like to thank Carmine Infantino. I will be brief, for I must away - I'm up for a People's Choice Award, as well!"

With that, he vanishes.

As Tenzil and Savage leave the stage, Ambush Bug returns.

"Well, that was mercifully brief! Perhaps the Stranger was just tuckered out.. he finished his acceptance speech for last year's Best Hat award only moments before tonight's ceremony."

He gets a laugh from the audience, and continues.

"Our next category at the Schwabbies is near and dear to my heart - Best Western. It doesn't actually have anything to do with comic books or super-heroes, but I love it nonetheless. And here to present our nominees tonight are two experts on the West - Scalphunter, and Manitou Raven!"

The two men emerge, dressed in their typical native attire.

"Let me make one thing clear." says Scalphunter, reaching the podium.

"No firewater jokes, no wampum jokes, no casino gambling. I won't do it. No way. No How."

He winces, realizing what he just said.

"That was the teleprompter's fault."

Manitou Raven leans into the microphone.

"Don't you folks believe it. He wrote that one himself. How about we go straight on to the nominees?"

"First, there's the John Wayne classic, True Grit. Wayne won his only Oscar for his performance of an aging cowboy."

"I'm not really a fan of John Wayne. But he's all over this category tonight. Next up, we have the Searchers - another Wayne classic. Why is nobody in these movies as well-dressed as Bat Lash?"

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Awards Extravaganza!

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Best Hat

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Best Western

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